Kicking Butt, Taking Names
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: Bad crack. Mary Sues. Missing Uchihas. They all must go down sometime.
1. Beware of the Mary Sue

I'm ready to bash in the name of better fanfiction. Are you?

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**Kicking Butt, Taking Names**

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No. 1: Beware of the Mary Sue

Her name was Asuna Sakura Peach Girl Love Hina Momo Narusegawa Ichigo Lilac Petunia Dersley Fraulein Maria Booshwank Kishimoto Akamatsu, but she insisted that everyone call her Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan.

She was here. Every female present could feel it in their bones; it was natural animalistict instinct that made their hackles raise. At the sight of her, **_DANGER! DANGER!_** flashed in bright red neon letters in front of their faces. However, they still felt an odd, freakish desire to like her. It was so odd that Hinata didn't even feel any jealousy when the girl flirted with Naruto. She didn't even bat a lash when she caught the two making out in a broom closet, even though _also_ present in said closet was the entirety of Konoha and Suna's male population.

Of course, she ended up being put in a mental facility for two months on account of the scarring vision. She still has the twitch, in fact.

Tenten had lost all desire to stab the girl with perfect wavy/curly-yet-still-straight, honey-highlighted pinkish, redish, brownish, blonde, uber-shiny hair. Even after her place as Neji's sparring partner had been taken by Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan, she still could not bring herself to hate the angelic-featured woman. Even though Lee had been charmed by her lilting gails of laughter. Even though _Gai-sensei_ was enamored by her youthful youth.

Ino had found herself a new best friend; she wasn't _even_ jealous when Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan had wrapped Sasuke, Sai, and Shikamaru around her dainty, French-manicured pinky finger. Really.

Sakura had found common ground with one of Tsunade's unheard of earlier apprentices, who already exceeded their shishou. She looked forward to gaining tips from the all-knowing taijutsu/ninjutsu/genjutsu specialist.

Only one person in the whole village was not enamored by the dear Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan:

Jiraiya.

_Surely you jest?_ I hear you think. How could one so perverted as the Toad Sannin see through this veil of perfection? I shall tell you.

Jiraiya found the utter beauty of Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan quite unnatural. The way her hair glowed, even in the weak moonlight, was absurd. The same with her eyes; she claimed that it was because she was half-demon, but Jiraiya suspected something different. Like maybe she'd ingested numerous radioactive carrots since birth. And the way she carried a stick that did summoning jutsus without seals was unnerving. She said that she had come from a school in Europe that taught magic... Hog's Ass or something.

Plus... she'd managed to make even some of the _girls_ fall in love with her when he, the ever-sexy master of toads could not! Obviously something was up.

Jiraiya folded his arms across his chest and stared at the nefarious Aspglhmnilpdfmbka-chan across the road from him. He glared. She giggled, wiggling her fingers at him. A random traveller fell in love with her. His glare turned more venomous.

"Aspglhmnilpdfmbimbo-chan."

"It's Aspglhmnilpdfm_bka_-chan" she corrected sweetly, smiling. Glitter erupted in the air around her, and the sun began to set even though it was only noon. Jiraiya snorted.

"Whatever. I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you here today."

"Would you like me to train you too, Jiraiya-kun?"

"Don't call me that," he deadpanned, rubbing his chin. She smiled and struck an adorable saluting pose.

"Yes sir!"

"Don't do that."

"Of course!"

"Why are you so fucking peppy? I'm here to beat the crap out of you and expose you for the hideous Mary Sue you are."

"Oh, silly Jiraiya-kun!" she giggled behind a petite hand. When she lowered it, he jumped back, for her perfectly straight teeth had suddenly turned into vicious, sharp, pointy ones. "You can't beat me. You shall never destroy us, for we are an undying race! We've even morphed ourselves into male form: Gary Stu!" She laughed with melodious tones, largy fairy-like wings spreading from her back.

"WTF?!"

"I shall return in due time, Jiraiya!" she said, wiggling her fingers at him. "Just remember; I'll be here as long as fanfiction authors insist that their characters pwn the original creator's! We shall rape all of your canon AND fanon relationships!"

Blowing a tiny kiss, she was lifted gracefully off of the ground, and in a flash of light, was gone.

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"It really happened, Tsunade!!"

"Yeah, sure, know what? Why don't you pass me another shot."

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	2. Bad Yaoi

Kakuzu is playing DDR two feet away from my side. Life is good.  
WARNING: Ferocious yaoi themes. Lots of suggestions. Just take it as it is. 8D

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**Kicking Butt, Taking Names**

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No. 2: Bad Yaoi

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"Oh, Kakashi," Iruka said, tickling the other man's chin and giggling like the uke he was. "You make me wanna be bad."

"... Excuse me?"

"You heard me, big boy," Iruka growled seductively, licking Kakashi's mask. The Copy Nin jumped, striking a defensive pose.

"What the fuck, Iruka??" he said, his skin crawling where Iruka touched him. The dolphin-faced man smiled, inching closer and rubbing against Kakashi like a cat.

"You know you want me too," he sighed, wrapping his arms around Kakashi's shoulders. The Hatake twitched.

"Actually, you know what? I don't."

"Oh, silly!" Iruka giggled, batting Kakashi's chest with his fruity little Asian hand. Kakashi spasmed.

"Please don't call me that."

"Hee!"

"Don't _giggle_! It's... _un-manly_!"

"Of course, Captain Sexy." Iruka licked Kakashi's cheek.

"HOLY PANCAKE BATTER!!" Kakashi shrieked, turning pale.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Iruka said, using enough time to take his paws off of Kakashi's body to rummage around one of his pockets. "I wrote a poem about you to express how angelic I think you are!"

"... Schmloo...?" Kakashi squeaked. Iruka unfolded a piece of parchment and cleared his throat.

"Roses are red, Cheezits are made of cheddar, I want to see you all dressed up in leather. You make me so horny when we bathe together, I'll take you in any kind of weather. You send shivers up my spine when you rip off my sweater; just watching you train makes me wetter than ever! When I'm sick, your (CENSORED) makes me feel better, I --"

Kakashi gave a single jerk and fell down, dead from lack of testosterone in the area.

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Naruto poked Kakashi's unconscious side with a stick and Sakura snorted.

"I wonder what'll happen when we do the bad lolicon chapter."

Kakashi's body twitched.

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**Did my blatant hatred for this pairing shine through enough? 8D  
-Bya**


	3. High School is for Ninjas

_A/N;_ My dearest_**Zhou Mak**_has given me this idea, among others. I am absolutely thrilled to do it, too! You always have the best ideas, senpai.  
_To anonymous Krizzie_; Thank you so much! (And, you know what? I tried to pronounce it too. XD Any luck on your end?)

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**Kicking Butt, Taking Names **

No. 3: High School is for Ninjas  
_(Believe it!) _

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Konohagakure High School for the Exceptionally Gifted and Talented, affectionately called Konoha High. As stated, Konoha High is for the gifted and talented. _Exceptionally_ so.

But it, like all schools, has one exception: Uzumaki Naruto, who is neither exeptionally gifted OR talented. In fact, he's a bit of a dunce who doesn't take his medication in the morning unless force-fed. Sure, he's gifted; he uses subtle (or not so much) mind tricks to piss _everyone_off. And of course he's talented; he perfected the art of turning himself into a woman to seduce every one of his senseis. Just not exceptionally so.

Naruto hates school; which makes no sense, because his greatest ambition is to be the fucking _principal_, meaning he's missing a crayon or two from the pencil case, if you know what I mean.

He has an odd speach impediment-- it seems he cannot utter a complete sentence without a "-ttebayo!" at the end. And at least twice in a written paragraph. You want to know what "-ttebayo!" means?

Get in line; so do everyone else. (Americans assume it signifies the ever-popular, trademarked/copyrighted/touch-and-die-bitch phrase "Believe It" but you can't trust them sneaky Americans.)

But that's not all:

Naruto... is a ninja.

(Wait! Come back! You have to keep reading to Believe It!)

Naruto is a ninja, and a damn good one. He makes ninja food, wears ninja clothes, speaks Ninja-ese (fangirl Japanese), and persues ninja activities.

Naruto is a ninja, and he's sick of people not Believing It.

Sasuke calls him a loser.

Sakura daily punches him in the face.

Kiba laughs at him (_just fart on him again, -ttebayo.._).

Kakashi reads porn and jerks off in front of him.

Iruka flunked him THREE TIMES (_how is he still with the passing people his age...?_)

Shino creeps him out (_it has to be intentional! EVERYBODY is out to get him!_)

Hinata won't even SPEAK to him.

Jiraiya punches him in the stomach to "awaken a seal" or some bullshit.

Chouji stole his ramen.

... and Naruto is just sick of it.

So Naruto the Ultimate Ninja made a plan. An evil plan. A plan on written paper, documenting detailed ways on how to massacre the non-believers at Konoha High. The plans he made were, in fact, the first exceptionally gifted and talented things he'd ever thought up. If it weren't documenting genocide, he probably would have won some prestigious award.

Unfortunately (and you must note that Uzumaki Naruto is _always_ unfortunate), Ebisu found said plans while rifling through Naruto's desk for the Icha Icha novel Kakashi had leant him (seriously, you think the retard is gonna stash your porn?) and the ADHD victim was sent to an institution where they take care of only _merely_ gifted, talented people like him.

... but not before he blew up the school's boiler room.

(Hey, a man's gotta go out in style somehow, doesn't he?)

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Minato sat back, taking a long drag from his holy pipe, angel wings batting behind him.

"And that's what would have happened if I hadn't put a demon inside my son."

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**Huzzah for evil Naruto! -pelted with gym shorts-  
Zhou said, "High School fics: Have just one character be a ninja, and decide that the school needs to die." You're such a good person, Zhou.  
Keep the reviews coming! I'll try to answer anonymous ones above. And... Naruto fangirls... please don't hate me. You know that he needs to take his meds, too.  
-Bya  
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